You've Got Mail

This post was inspired by Kelly Jean Conard. Kelly and I are both UC Davis MFA alums. She’s now a fancy shmancy lighting professional on the West Coast. On the ‘A More Perfect Union’ Facebook page she wrote, “The thing that has been on my mind the most is proper email etiquette. For example, how many, how often, when is the sender being impatient, when is it safe in this digital age to not respond until you are fully prepared to do so?”

While we could just throw our thoughts into the ring on these questions, I think we can take a moment to reflect on communication in general. As some of you know, I coach pre-marital couples on the 7 reasons why people get divorced. Communication is way up there on that list. It’s not easy to be clear and direct in communicating with others. And it’s sometimes more difficult with those that we love.

We live in a fast-paced world and we want our information fast. While the younger generations are hip, vocabulary-changing texters, I still favor email. It allows me to get my thoughts across clearly, and by gum, I can write a full sentence complete with punctuation, correct spelling and no abbreviations! It also allows people to take time. It gives the writer a chance to write what (s)he needs, save as a draft and come back to it later - making sure all of the information and the sentiments are properly expressed. The great thing about email is when you send a message en masse, they can be easily deleted and you don’t have to worry too much about bothering folks. Organizations are also pretty good about giving “unsubscribe’ options for their mailing lists, so if you want to opt out, it’s easy to do so.

A few weeks ago one of my brides replied to an email I wrote saying, “Forgive me if this or the last email came off as abrupt- that was not my intention... Just trying to get it all done, but this is important to us and I realize my tone is a little flat at the moment.” I made no mention of seeming upset or frustrated before this message. In fact, I was very surprised when I saw her response. But it’s the crux of the email problem - THERE IS NO TONE.

In email it’s very difficult to hear inflection. Unless we really know the sender, we can only imagine it. Heck, why do you think emoticons were invented? So, after years of major email communication, I have learned to read my emails WITHOUT tone. I do not assume that there’s sarcasm or emotion, since I honestly don’t know if it’s there. And it’s safer for all involved to read it without any. Just the facts, m’am. That being said, it’s all the more important to be CLEAR in your emails. Take the time to ask for what you need and say what you truly want.

Back to Kelly’s question, I usually wait a day or two for an email response, especially if the answer takes some thought. If it’s a bridal couple reviewing a draft of their wedding ceremony, I give it 4 days. If I don’t hear back I send an email reminder asking for an ETA of when I may get an email back. It’s like the old phone protocol of answering the phone, but telling the caller that you don’t have time to talk. I know it may seem silly, but at least I’ll know when I can expect a response.

If you are talking about an email with more urgency - getting a quick answer back – I suggest sending a reminder a few hours after the first one. And if you still don’t get a response, dare I say it, I would pick up the phone and give the person a call or walk to his/her desk if you work together and get the answer you need.

How do you handle email? Any advice for Kelly?

If you have a question, a gripe or need some clarity, add a comment below or contact me at hope@perfectunionny.com or www.facebook.com/PerfectUnionNY.