Cha-Ching!: How to Talk About Money

My great friend, Angela Aquino is the inspiration for this post. She’s one of the most creative gals I know. She also shares my love for a good margarita! Angela is an award winning graphic designer, a photographer, and is the brains behind the look my website. You can check out her wizardry and see her wares at LightDaughter.com.


HOW TO TALK ABOUT MONEY

Money is the number one reason why people get divorced in this country. It’s such an emotional subject, and most of us are never taught how to handle our money, never mind, discuss it. I remember clearly learning how to make out a check in elementary school, but that's about it. My financial education came a bit from my parents, but largely from trial and error. You’re going to laugh, but when I was 19 years old a psychic told me that I would never have money issues. From that day on I stopped balancing my checkbook and let the universe take over. While there was one rocky spot in my mid-20s, I am in good financial shape. I have NO debt, and continue to save for the future and for emergencies. I know I am crazy and lucky. I am also not married, so I don’t currently have the concern about merging my finances with someone else.

So, how do you handle money in a relationship?

I am not a financial planner, and don’t claim to be a money guru. When I coach couples heading into marriage, we start with a discussion on money. It’s a chance for each partner to share his/her expectations and fears. To talk honestly about knowing how much there is, where it comes from, where it goes and creating a plan for the future.

Here is the list of questions I ask. I encourage you and your partner to go through each of these. Give yourselves plenty of time. Fully express your expectations and fears and have the patience to truly listen to each other. Be open to all thoughts, questions and be aware of your emotions and judgments.

1. How do you think your upbringing, culture, and gender influence how each of you approach money? Are you a spender or a saver? Do you know what your financial personalities are? How do you define luxury?

2. Where does your money come from? Do you each bring in similar salaries? If not, is that okay with both of you? What would happen if one of you no longer wants to or no longer can work?

3. Where does your money go? Even if your budget is a general one, it is important to know how your dollars are being spent. Do you have separate individual and/or combined budgets?

4. Do you have a joint or separate banking accounts? Or some combination of the two? These should include checking, savings and investment accounts.

5. Who actually sits down and pays the bills? Do you do this together or has one of you volunteered for this task? Reevaluate if the way you have this set up is working or not.

6. How much do the two of you owe in debts and what are your assets?

7. Do you have any financial goals for your future? If you do, re-evaluate the progress you are making toward your goals. If not, make some goals, both short-term and long-term. These should include retirement, home repairs, emergency funds, the kids college fund, etc.

8. Where are the two of you most vulnerable in your finances? Is it a lack of job security, over spending, not enough income, too much debt? Decide together how to strengthen your financial position.

9. Do you know your credit record? 
If either of you has a poor credit score, it may prevent you from qualifying for a loan or getting a low interest rate, if you apply jointly.

10. Is there a plan to protect your financial security?
 Review your health and life insurance to look for ways to save as a couple and to ensure your coverage is adequate for the two of you. Update your wills and investments to ensure that your future spouse is named as your heir, if that is your wish. 

11. Do you both know where important documents such as insurance documents, wills, tax information, bank account numbers, investment information, etc. are located? 

If the discussion in turn generates more questions than it answers, and becomes overwhelming, I encourage you to enlist a financial professional. Ask your friends, colleagues and family in your area for a recommendation. Don’t settle until you find someone you truly like.

 Are there any questions I missed? How do YOU discuss money in your relationship?

You've Got Mail

This post was inspired by Kelly Jean Conard. Kelly and I are both UC Davis MFA alums. She’s now a fancy shmancy lighting professional on the West Coast. On the ‘A More Perfect Union’ Facebook page she wrote, “The thing that has been on my mind the most is proper email etiquette. For example, how many, how often, when is the sender being impatient, when is it safe in this digital age to not respond until you are fully prepared to do so?”

While we could just throw our thoughts into the ring on these questions, I think we can take a moment to reflect on communication in general. As some of you know, I coach pre-marital couples on the 7 reasons why people get divorced. Communication is way up there on that list. It’s not easy to be clear and direct in communicating with others. And it’s sometimes more difficult with those that we love.

We live in a fast-paced world and we want our information fast. While the younger generations are hip, vocabulary-changing texters, I still favor email. It allows me to get my thoughts across clearly, and by gum, I can write a full sentence complete with punctuation, correct spelling and no abbreviations! It also allows people to take time. It gives the writer a chance to write what (s)he needs, save as a draft and come back to it later - making sure all of the information and the sentiments are properly expressed. The great thing about email is when you send a message en masse, they can be easily deleted and you don’t have to worry too much about bothering folks. Organizations are also pretty good about giving “unsubscribe’ options for their mailing lists, so if you want to opt out, it’s easy to do so.

A few weeks ago one of my brides replied to an email I wrote saying, “Forgive me if this or the last email came off as abrupt- that was not my intention... Just trying to get it all done, but this is important to us and I realize my tone is a little flat at the moment.” I made no mention of seeming upset or frustrated before this message. In fact, I was very surprised when I saw her response. But it’s the crux of the email problem - THERE IS NO TONE.

In email it’s very difficult to hear inflection. Unless we really know the sender, we can only imagine it. Heck, why do you think emoticons were invented? So, after years of major email communication, I have learned to read my emails WITHOUT tone. I do not assume that there’s sarcasm or emotion, since I honestly don’t know if it’s there. And it’s safer for all involved to read it without any. Just the facts, m’am. That being said, it’s all the more important to be CLEAR in your emails. Take the time to ask for what you need and say what you truly want.

Back to Kelly’s question, I usually wait a day or two for an email response, especially if the answer takes some thought. If it’s a bridal couple reviewing a draft of their wedding ceremony, I give it 4 days. If I don’t hear back I send an email reminder asking for an ETA of when I may get an email back. It’s like the old phone protocol of answering the phone, but telling the caller that you don’t have time to talk. I know it may seem silly, but at least I’ll know when I can expect a response.

If you are talking about an email with more urgency - getting a quick answer back – I suggest sending a reminder a few hours after the first one. And if you still don’t get a response, dare I say it, I would pick up the phone and give the person a call or walk to his/her desk if you work together and get the answer you need.

How do you handle email? Any advice for Kelly?

If you have a question, a gripe or need some clarity, add a comment below or contact me at hope@perfectunionny.com or www.facebook.com/PerfectUnionNY.

Getting Unstuck!

My good friend, the amazing Jennifer Levison (www.followingjenny.com) encouraged me to write this post. I blogged for the last 5 years on a more personal basis, but decided to start this blog in order to share my thoughts, answer questions and start discussions as I shifted my life to motivating others. Please join me in the conversation.

GETTING UNSTUCK!

When I was 36 years old I realized my career had plateaued. I was not being challenged and there were no huge opportunities on the horizon. In essence I was stuck. After weighing my options, I decided that I needed to make a big change to shake my current situation. So I threw caution to the wind (after literally throwing myself out of an airplane – attached to a big burly guy, but that’s another story) and moved across the country to get my MFA. Was it scary? Yes. But did it force me to take action? You betcha.

In a small theatre program I had the opportunity to work with some amazing artists, release major habits and was challenged to take risks. I also had the honor to teach acting on the college level. At a time in my life, that I “should” have been anchored in a career, I was now given a boost, a second chance. While I eventually decided against academia, the lessons I learned while teaching, as well as the growth I saw in my students guided me on the long and winding road to where I am now.

After years in the non-profit arts realm, my current business practice also includes the delicate art of Life Coaching. I pride myself with Motivating to Action. Guiding clients out of cyclical patterns and empowering them to recognize and veer away from years of negative thoughts and habits. Using many techniques, including those I used in my Acting classes, I essentially help people out of being stuck.

Is it easy to get unstuck? Absolutely. But we often are our own biggest obstacle. And don’t forget that it took us YEARS to get stuck, so we are not going to get unstuck overnight. So, what do we do?

As I taught on the first day of class, Acting is “doing something in the pursuit of an objective that fills an urgent and immediate need.” (‘The Actor in You,’ Benedetti). Acting is DOING. We cannot move closer to our goals and objectives sitting and moping. Or thinking and talking about it. We actually have to do – something. Do you need to move yourself across the country? Nope. But, you must take the necessary steps to move yourself from being stuck.

So to start off, what is your urgent and immediate need? Think of what you want to achieve and shout it out to the world – or tell one close friend or family member -- and here is the important part, WRITE down the steps to get there. Maybe it entails research or taking a class. Perhaps joining a group. Take a deep breath, get out of your own way and then take the chance on that FIRST step NOW. It may be something small or inconsequential. But it’s a step. You can see the distance of where you started and where you are now. That’s something to celebrate and share with others. And when you are ready, take another step.

Will there be some backward sliding to your old habits? Probably. You know the saying, ‘two steps forward, one step back.’ But you know what? You still took that step towards getting unstuck and achieving your objective. Continue to ask yourself “what do I want?” and “what steps does it take to get there?” Be aware of the changes. Continue to keep your support circle informed. Keep moving forward and if you need more help, enlist a professional and contact a Life or Career Coach.

Go.